


I Believe in Us

by animmortalist



Category: Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, F/M, Fluff, Holding Hands, Post-Canon, Sharing a Bed, soft, the angst isn't anything too intense but it's there bc...it's them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 21:48:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29923326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/animmortalist/pseuds/animmortalist
Summary: Years after Crooked Kingdom, Inej has returned to Ketterdam. As she and Kaz continue to heal, they decide to try something new. To sleep side by side.Really, just some self-indulgent softness for these two because they deserve it.
Relationships: Kaz Brekker/Inej Ghafa
Comments: 10
Kudos: 90





	I Believe in Us

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, lovelies!! This is my first fic for the fandom, so I apologize if anything's off, but wanted to try my hand at writing this as I've had this idea for a long while. I adore Six of Crows so much, and cannot wait for Shadow and Bone to come out. 
> 
> Note: there are some mentions of The Menagerie, but nothing explicit. 
> 
> Sending all the love and good thoughts to you 💜

As Inej readies herself for bed, she tries to quell the nerves that take root in her stomach. She brushes her teeth and paces around the bathroom, half of her itching to escape out the window. The thing that stops her? The knowledge that she  _ wants  _ to do this.

She knows how much Kaz is asking of himself, trying this, and how much she’s asking of herself as well. They’d agreed though. 

They want to try to sleep side by side. 

They haven’t attempted it before, even though it’s been a few months since she returned to Ketterdam and they established what they are to one another. She swallows thickly and stares at her reflection. Try. Just try. That’s it. If it goes all wrong, she knows he won’t run away, and neither will she. 

It’s only sleeping. Simple. She’s done it her whole life. Never with him though, and that’s the source of her anxiety. Which nightmares will haunt her tonight, and if she’ll even be able to fall asleep with someone else in her bed. She worries more for him than herself. How he’ll cope being this close to another body. Even though she knows he wants to try this, has told her as much with enough fervor a shiver went down her spine, her concerns remain. 

She doesn’t want to demand anything he can’t give, and she doesn’t want to do that to herself either. 

They want to be closer though. At least, in this way, they think they’re ready. A part of Inej knows if she doesn’t try it now, she might never have the courage. The ability to face the reality of someone seeing her wake with cold sweat covering her brow, her arms, her back. Thoughts of The Menagerie coming back to her in crashing waves that send her adrift.

But Kaz has nightmares, too, she’s learned. She trusts him, completely. She can only hope he feels the same. 

She emerges from the bathroom, already dressed in a pair of leggings and a loose shirt. Kaz has been pacing across the room, but when he notices her there, he meets her eye. She sees her own nerves reflected in his eyes. His hair’s a mess, a rarity. For once, he actually looks his age. All of twenty, and already been through so much. They both have. Him letting her see him like this is a gift that she doesn’t take for granted. 

It means more to her than she’s ready to admit to him, but he knows it anyway. Just as she knows that he wants to show her this side of him. That he’s scared, but ready. She feels courage for not only herself, but him as well. They can do this. They’ve stolen and killed and fought tooth and nail for themselves and each other. They can do  _ this _ .

She crosses the room and hesitates, but he reaches out his own hand and she takes it. She rubs her thumb against his knuckles and he closes his eyes, squeezing them for a moment before the fear ebbs away. Something that almost seems like peace settles over his expression. He opens his eyes.

“Are you still sure?” she asks.

She knows what he will say before he even opens his mouth to reply.

“Are you?”

She huffs. “I asked you first.”

“And I asked you because I  _ need _ you to be sure,” he says.

It threatens to knock the breath out of her. It’s been slow going, a painstaking process, and it doesn’t happen often, but he’s gotten better at telling what he’s feeling. Rather, of not being afraid of what he’s feeling, not needing to hide it away or pretend it doesn’t exist. She’s gotten better at listening. Their time away helped them heal, but their time together for these last months has made her realize that they could be something. Maybe not in the traditional sense or even something that makes sense to other people. But they could be Kaz and Inej. Not Dirtyhands and the Wraith. Just them. Just the two of them, finding some kind of happiness in their ruined world.

She isn’t sure they’ll be able to make their way through the darkness to find it, but saints...She wants to try. Because she deserves it, because  _ he  _ deserves it. 

Inej nods, licks her lips, notices how his eyes flicker to the movement. “Yes,” she nods again, “I’m sure.”

He squeezes her hand, once and a ghost of a smile quirks up his mouth. “Me too.”

All that’s left is for the actual task in front of them. It feels more daunting than it did moments ago. She isn’t scared off though. She expects Kaz to release her hand as they move toward the bed, but he doesn’t. She takes her hand out of his first. Because she has to get into the bed, she tells herself, hating the voice that tells her otherwise. Once situated, she pulls the heavy blanket up and then sits up and pulls her knees inward. 

Inej looks up at him and sees his hesitation. Not his own for once, but a fear that he’s crossed a line with her. That it was him who held on too long this time.

“I didn’t mean—” she swallows and stares at him from where he’s paused at the edge of the bed. “I didn’t mean to pull away.”

She knows he understands she doesn’t just mean physically.

“It’s okay.” 

His hands shake though and Inej fights off the guilt. He knows why, she says to herself, repeating it like a mantra. He knows her. Inej takes a breath and moves out from under the covers. She sits up on her knees so they’re almost eye level. She reaches out a hand and pauses. He closes the distance between them, and her hand feels the heat of his cheek. They’ve worked on this. The touching. Some days are good, some days are bad. This is a good day. He doesn’t shudder away from her hand. 

They last that way longer than usual, and Inej nearly loses herself in the moment. To her surprise, Kaz shifts under her hand. So delicate she knows she would’ve thought she imagined it if she doesn’t see it herself, he presses his lips to her hand. The hand that’s slashed and killed and hurt. The hand that’s clung to the buildings of Ketterdam. The hand that now holds one of the best things in her life. 

She knows she sucks in a breath, feels her eyes go wide. Kaz’s own eyes take her in, watching, watching, watching. The breath escapes her, shaky. Kaz blinks. Her hand drifts back down. The moment ends. Not because either one of them disrupt it, though. Moments end, she’s realized in her nineteen years. It doesn’t have to always be a bad thing. That part took longer to learn. 

“Don’t be sorry,” he tells her. She settles back down onto the bed and it’s her turn to watch him. His voice strains as he goes on, “I don’t,” he lets out a breath, “I don’t want either one of us to be sorry.”

She looks up at him and nods. “Me neither.”

It’s more complicated than that, both of them know. It’s harder than just dismissing it, than wanting to dismiss it. They will try, though. They’ll keep trying. Because that’s what they do. First for freedom and money and who knows what else. Then for themselves. And now, for each other.

They’re silent as he slides onto the bed. Pulls the covers up to his chest. 

“Would you like the light off?” he asks.

Her lips turn up, just the slightest bit. “I’ve never been afraid of the dark, Kaz.” She becomes serious once more. “Do you need it on?”

He shakes his head. 

“Off, then,” she says.

He turns off the light, and she’s more comfortable in the dark, feels less suffocated. Like he isn’t as close as he actually is. Without him saying it, she knows he must feel the same from the way his breathing evens out. They lie there and Inej wants to reach out, but she doesn’t know how. They discussed everything, but none of their conversations, as if they were planning a scheme, another one of their plans, prepared her for this. For the reality of it. 

“You can go if you want,” he speaks into the dark.

She swallows and wonders how he knew. Then again, he’s Kaz. Of course, he knows. She knows that she could—leave. That he wouldn’t hold it against her. Something else would happen though. The distance between them, the one they’ve been trying to close, it would get just a little bit bigger. As much as she’s afraid, as much as she’s aware that he is as well, she doesn’t want that to happen even more. 

“I’ll stay,” she lets out a breath, “I just…”

“I know,” he whispers, so quiet she almost misses it. “I know.”

Inej can feel him tremble a bit beside her.

“You can ask me to go,” she tells him.

She hears him licks his lips. “I don’t want you to,” he clears his throat, as if getting rid of some thickness in his voice that she doesn’t pick up, “if you want to stay then I want you here.”

Inej nods. Good. They’re okay. As long as they both still want this, it will be okay. She has to tell herself this, has to remind herself of its truth. 

Some piece of her she didn’t know existed aches for the feeling to be close to him. Closer than she is now. Inej doesn’t dare risk it though. Not when he’s already doing better than either one of them expected. She doesn’t want to ask for too much too soon. 

One of her arms drifts down from her middle to her side. In the space between them. His own hands remain on his stomach for a breath, but she feels the exact moment when he starts to move. It’s slow. Painfully slow, because she wants the contact, she’s learning. Wants it enough that it scares her. 

His hand settles next to hers, and she thinks that is all that there will be. It’s enough. For now, it’s enough. 

When he brushes her hand with his knuckles, so light it’s barely there, she sucks in a breath. He immediately stops, but doesn’t move his hand away completely. Creates enough distance between them that she no longer feels the ghost of a touch. 

“I’m sorry,” he lets out. She feels him turn to look at her, and she meets his eye. “I didn’t mean to…”

Inej smiles so slightly anyone except Kaz would miss it. Well, maybe Nina would, but nothing gets past her. 

“That’s not why I,” his eyes flash with something she’s never seen before and she goes on, “reacted the way I did.”

His throat bobs. “Oh.”

To her surprise, she huffs out a laugh. 

She doesn’t want to be the one to cross the space between them. She knows she can, has been working on it for herself these past two years. He needs to do it. Not only for her, for them, but for himself. Because he wants to do it. She can’t make that decision for him, or decide when he’s ready. She’s long ago learned that the first person you need to fight for is yourself. For the years away from Ketterdam, she did just that. She knows Kaz did, too. Could see it in the look on his face when her ship docked. In the way he greeted her, warm, like he was meeting the sun for the first time in a long while. 

When he does the movement from before once more, she doesn’t look away. He lets out an unsteady breath, but doesn’t stop. He repeats the soft touch, once, twice, three times. Then, as if it isn’t a sacred thing, as if it isn’t something beautiful, a miracle, even, he takes her hand in his. 

Inej fights the will to hold on too tight. Like when she used to grip the walls of this city. Scaling them, always trying to sneak up on Kaz, only succeeding that once. It’s him who intertwines their fingers. His thumb moves across one of her knuckles and she has to remind herself to breathe. Kaz’s eyes are still on hers, and she won’t look away. Because she doesn’t want him to lose her in the dark. Because he needs her, needs to see her, to make this reality. More than any of that though, she doesn’t break their eye contact because...She doesn’t want to. 

“I trust you,” she murmurs, not realizing how tired her voice sounds. 

He nods. “I trust you, too.”

It’s not everything she deserves, that he deserves, but for tonight, it is all she needs. The reassurance that they’re still in this together. That they will not waver, even through the hardships, even through the mistakes and steps back. It’s a promise without saying the actual words. They will keep trying, keep fighting. Because it’s what they do. 

“We should sleep,” he finally says, after what feels like years spanned between them.

Inej hesitates, but she wants to tell him, and she has the courage to add, “I have nightmares sometimes. Of The Menagerie. Of…” It’s too much to admit and she worries that he’ll pull away, that this delicate thing between them will break. 

He doesn’t waste a moment letting her realize that won’t happen. “Me, too.” His mouth twists and she knows he’s thinking of Jordie. 

She gives him another hint of a smile, feeling herself at ease once more. “It will be okay.”

He swallows. “Yes.”

Inej nods. “Okay, then, let’s sleep.”

They aren’t tucked into each other’s sides, but he moves closer to her. Her eyes have adjusted to the dark by now, but she shuts them to give him this space. No pressure. Only the assurance that she wants this, too. 

Kaz lets out a breath, and she worries from his unsteadiness that it’s too much. He doesn’t move, and doesn’t ask her to leave though. She drifts into sleep, knowing that this time, if there are nightmares, Kaz will be there. Holding her hand. 

She believes in herself, in him, but most of all, she believes in  _ them _ . 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading ❤︎
> 
> Find me on tumblr (@kancjs)


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